he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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