Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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