Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I've blown a few things in my day
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
