I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
