Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
