Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
bring money and cleavage
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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