my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
