I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
