Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
