Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
