ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
this hospital has no fireball
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
