all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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