He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
