I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
