just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
