Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize