And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
