Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
