She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You may now shotgun with the bride
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
