Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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