omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
