oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
