she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
