So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
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You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
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A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once