Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
