one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Randomize
