we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize