Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
