i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
