I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
