my room smells like sperm. sweet.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
