Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
