I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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