you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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