her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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