I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
