The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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