Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
