did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
