So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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