the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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