i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
