You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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