I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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