Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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