Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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