I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
