Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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