I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize