i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
