Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
handjob tips. give me some.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
