what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
