rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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